I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
