You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
