I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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