so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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