just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
