I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
