i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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