It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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