I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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