i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
