Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
