i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My life is pants optional.
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