oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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