i used baking grease as lip gloss
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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