I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
