The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
