My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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