I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
