I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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