Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
