It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
