The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
