the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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