I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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