Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
