i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
