Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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