i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
