I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
