u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
