so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
