Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
