i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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