my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
