Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
