is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh god it's open bar.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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