My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
