that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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