he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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