You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
