I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
