Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
