note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
