You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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