MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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