Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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