Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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