I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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