Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
