Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
