i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
