I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
