you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
