She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
