seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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