I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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