i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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