just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
