just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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