I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Randomize
